A Mini Comedy Sequel

First off, I’d like to thank everyone who’s read my book Stand-Up Comedy For Introverts and told me how much they love it. It means a lot to know that people are appreciating my work and are finding it worth their time and money.

That being said, I feel like I released it too soon. Hell, even the author’s copy is missing like 5 pages because all of a sudden I was getting so much inspiration for the book literally weeks away from the publication date. (Sorry, Jess!) The only thing keeping me from revising it more is the fact that it’s a comedy memoir so of course I’m going to want to keep adding to it as my life goes on. Like it says in the book, I had to stop at some point otherwise I’d be adding to it until my deathbed.

Is there a sequel in the works? No. Honestly, I’m surprised the book ended up being as long as it was, I’m lucky to have gotten that much. I think it’s in a good place right now, short and sweet, not too short but not too long. A revision is out of the question and I wouldn’t have enough content for a whole other book. So here we are, stuck between having more content and not having a place to put it. Consider this a teaser for those of you who haven’t gotten the book, and a mini-sequel for those who have read the book.

I think I’ll always have more content about horror movies. In the book I had talked about the whole “I want someone to die for me” relationship thing and some scenarios that aren’t actually scary but there is so much more to talk about here. Jump-scares should definitely made that “not scary” list, anytime something like that happens in real life no one goes “I’m so scared now”, they get mad. It’s really annoying to know that something that shouldn’t have been scary surprised you that much. Maybe it was your friend jumping around the corner, or maybe it was something suddenly falling to the ground, either way you want to punch it.

Oh, also relationships in general are kind of shitty in scary movies. Like, I get it, the people and their relationships are supposed to be kind of shitty and different from regular people because those are the types of people we expect in those situations. We never see an “average” person there because the average person saw the danger and said, “fuck that shit, I’m out”. I just don’t get why things are that exaggerated. The men are genuinely so clueless they think it’s appropriate to say things like “you haven’t been the same since your mom died, it’s been a year.” Granted, I haven’t been around many straight men but straight women should have much higher standards for themselves. If men are actually like this, just stay away from them. It’s not worth it.

I had wanted to write quite a bit more politics in the book, specifically the maelstrom of corruption and stupidity that’s been going on lately, but it never found a solid place within the book. I just find it hilarious that lately it seems that God (if you believe in that kind of thing) has been sending signs more than ever. The bird peacefully landing near Bernie, the eagle attacking Trump, and now the fly hanging out in Pence’s hair. The writers of 2020 really didn’t care for subtleties anymore.

It’s just crazy how fanatical Trump’s supporters are. The fact that there’s satire that they’re a cult or brainwashed should really tell you something. For those who support him, have you heard him speak? Have you seen any new besides Fox? My favorite part is the defamation lawsuit Fox News had against Tucker Carlson and Fox News themselves said “no viewer in their right mind would believe anything Tucker Carlson said.” The very news station you are believing everything from called you stupid for believing them. You can’t make this stuff up, the best writers in the world are taking notes thinking, “I thought if I did this in a book it’d be too unbelievable, yet here we are.”

Shocker, I had more experiences I wanted to add to my “Fifty First Disasters” chapter. Reminder, my boyfriend thought that SIXTEEN was a lot. Anyway, so I went to a renaissance festival type thing with some friends when I was younger. I was maybe like 17 at the time, so I was out of the closet and was no stranger to…being intimate. Well, at this festival I bought a fox tail because I thought it was cute and I wanted to wear it. I hooked it on one of my belt loops in what I thought was the most obvious spot, my butt, and it turns out that was a bad idea. I was informed by an older, most likely gay, man that putting those tails there meant you were looking to hook up. I literally hadn’t seen anyone even wearing those tails really, if I had I’m pretty sure it was just on their hip because it’s more visible, right? I don’t know, somehow most of my life I’ve managed to come off as a major slut without even meaning to. Would I have done things differently? No, but when you’re coming off as a slut, you want to at least be aware of it, you know?

As much as I dissected every aspect of my life I never really talked about how I clearly constantly have this inner battle of wanting to disappear and wanting to be the most famous person in existence. I don’t get how no one called me out on my shit either, like the pure inconsistency of having a book with “introvert” in the title, I have no defense. I remember growing up I wanted everyone’s attention so bad, I attached myself to both my siblings’ friends groups so much my sister literally got her friend to chase me away with a mask on. When I changed schools for the first time, though, I remember telling several children “I don’t need friends.” What kind of emo shit was that? I was in the fourth grade, people were just trying to be friends with me and I was basically like, “I’m fucking depressed leave me alone.”

When I moved back to my original school district, I was convinced I’d have all my old friends back, I’d get to reinvent myself, I’d be popular. It worked relatively well too, until I got bullied for acting gay, but that’s besides the point. This tug-of-war went back and forth for a long time too, when I got rejected by my first love, I wanted to hide away. Eventually I broke out of my shell more and was like, “If this ‘straight’ doesn’t want me then I just need to find guys who do.” Proceeded to get involved with far too many men, and in turn, people liked me more because I wasn’t a creepy depressed mess pining over an ugly white boy. I feel like as time went on I found more of a balance between wanting this attention and wanting to be left alone, but senior year I was asked by several people if I wanted them to vote for me for homecoming king and I said, “No! Absolutely not.” Granted I knew that I’d hate having to dance in front of everyone, with a lady, no less, but at the same time I clearly wanted the attention too. I later asked the teacher keeping tabs of the voting and, she may have lied to spare my feelings, but she told me I was very close to being nominated for homecoming king. If I hadn’t told an entire class not to vote for me, I may have made it to that top four.

College was similar, I went to the LGBT center to make friends and in the end walked away with none. I tried being a YouTuber on and off, after college I tried streaming on Twitch and now here I am with a blog and writing career. Sure, getting passionate about a hobby and then getting tired of it rather quickly is a big symptom of ADHD but more importantly it also shows that I could never make up my mind about how I wanted to be seen in the public eye. Or rather, if I even wanted to be seen or not. Do I want attention or do I want to be left alone? I’m basically a cat, but somehow even more confusing because my words and actions just send even bigger mixed signals.

In the book I talk about my seven evil exes, and I have an extra anecdote about The Utterly Confused. For someone so concerned about me being obsessed with them, he sure went out of his way to rope me into nonsense when I had moved on. I remember one summer, my best friend messaged me saying that Utterly Confused had received a cake full of rocks and someone had broken in to spray paint the walls of his house. Utterly Confused was accusing me of these things. I just laughed. Laughed and laughed for days. I didn’t feel the need to defend my innocence but I did joke for a while about how my fat ass wouldn’t let a cake go to waste for that kind of B.S. even if I wasn’t moved on. Utterly Confused also had a car explode in front of his house, so I don’t know, I just feel like he had some sort of karma coming his way. Maybe he pissed off some ancient deity or accidentally summoned some demons. In the past, he had explained how there used to be another boy who would just stand in front of his house staring at it, so I just feel like this wasn’t a me problem.

Now, I know how contradictory this all is. Trust me I had hoped he was a thing of the past for a long while but when this comedy book came up I couldn’t help but add something about it here. It’s hilarious. Not to mention with the amount of nonsense that happened I could write an entire book by itself of just that whole mess. Come to think of it though, I don’t really care what people’s opinion on the situation is. I’m okay if people think I’m not over it, because I’m making money off of writing about it. Girl, tell both our graduating classes that I’m still on about it, get me that free marketing.

And, as always, thanks for reading.

Published by Johvan Calvo

I am a nerdy gay Mexican with a passion for story telling. Trying to find my way in this world but I don't think there's such a thing as a "perfect fit".

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